R. Bruhn's BEST AND WORST OF RAGBRAI ® XXII, 1994

"In cycling, truth is the first casualty."
     		--Velo Philosopher Bruce Boyd

See R. Bruhn's RAGBRAI Page for additional reports on the ride.

BEST TEAM

Team Bad Boy, from Boulder, Colorado, third year in a row. I know this is getting monotonous, maybe even embarrassing; it's like John LaRoquette winning the Emmy for best supporting actor in a comedy series so many times that he finally has to remove himself from the list of nominees. But Team Bad Boy has not removed themselves from RAGBRAI ®, so, as far as I'm concerned, they're still in contention. And, like I said last year, style is what it's all about. Some teams wear cheese on their heads or plumage that would make a Las Vegas showgirl blush; some have arrows or screws through their helmets; some have cute, or not-so-cute, mottos; other have clever names and dress alike. But what can you say about a team that carries its own whirlpool bath along on the road? That has a Honda generator on the front of one of the bikes for on-road AC power? Of course, they still feature a full-service bar, a complete home component stereo system and a cooler the size of a coffin. And they still carry all of their gear with them, so that one of their bikes is about the size--and weight--of a dressed Hog (no, not the porcine animal, the porcine motorcycle). "We leave early and get in late," one of them told me. Even the staid and punctilious Des Moines Register gave Team Bad Boy a little space this year.

WORST TEAM

Take your pick; there are plenty of candidates. I'm still annoyed with Team Cheddarhead, with their now-even-tackier wedges of faux cheese on ther heads (although you have to admire the breakaway style of the woman with the individually-wrapped slice of cheese on her helmet). Another good possibility is Team P.H.U.K., an acronym for Pretty Horny and Utterly Kinky. Or how about Team Me-Off, with members Cut Me-Off, Piss Me-Off, Turn Me-Off, and, one assumes (though I never saw them) Jerk and Jack? Team Balls-to-the-Wall has a nice little graphic on their shirts not usually seen outside the walls of men's toilets, but their hill-climbing ability suggests a name more like Team Head-on-the-Pillow. And, of course, there's always Team Marine. Who picks up the tab for this outfit, anyway--with their fleet of U.S.M.C. trucks and big stinky olive drab canvas tents? (Put that in the "Stupidest Questions Asked on RAGBRAI ®" category-- we're paying for it.) And what are they trying to prove? Did Strom Thurmond and the tobacco lobby send them out to demonstrate that you can smoke two packs of cigarettes a day and still (sort of) ride a bike?

BEST RETURNING TEAM, BUT WHERE'S YOUR MOTTO?

The ladies of Team Dairy-Aire, from Wisconsin. Previous years' motto: "Smell our Dairy-Aire."

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Team Udder Balm; Team Cocktail, motto: "Meet me at the first bar on the right--unless it's on the left;" Team Roadkill, who put identifying stickers on all the dead things along the road; Team Cockroach, who so liked my New Orleans bike shop T-shirt which had roaches on it (the cockroach is the Official Louisiana State Insect) that they gave me a really cool cockroach sticker for my helmet; Team Plastic Jesus, with PJs mounted on the stems of their bikes.

ALSO-RANS

Team Liar, motto: "Our 23rd RAGBRAI ®;" Team Wind, this year's tasteful motto: "Just Blow Me;" Team Bonehead, with--of course--bones on their heads; Team Whiner, who always managed to find something wrong, even with this year's weather; and Team Kwitschersnivelin, the antithesis of Team Whiner.

BEST PASSTHROUGH TOWN

Cambridge, Iowa. True to the banner being towed by an airplane overhead, they had "Music, Beer, Food, and Hot Babes." They also had full-body Sumo wrestling in inflatable suits, go-go girls, nice parks, nice weather and the "Real Food Deli." Cambridge had the good fortune to be at the start of the centruy loop, so if you took the required two swipes at the loop, you ended up coming through town three times.

BEST PASSTHROUGH TOWN WITH KYBO ARCADE

Wholly [sic] Toledo, Iowa. Is there some subliminal message here? Wouldn't a red carpet have provided a better welcome?

BEST PASSTHROUGH TOWN WITH HAY BALE TUNNEL

Elberon, Iowa.

BEST STUPID HUMAN TRICK IN A HAY BALE TUNNEL

Kelly Outson's amazing imitation of a cow. Done without hands, too.

BEST COURTHOUSE

Marshall County Courthouse, Marshalltown, Iowa. A Beaux Arts beauty as yet miraculously untouched by the remuddling hands of county commissioners.

BEST COURTHOUSE MADE WORSE BY THE WINDOW MAN

Clinton County Courthouse, Clinton, Iowa. A dandy little Richardsonian Romanesque number brought under the unfortunate spell of environmental engineers.

THE WINDOW MAN TO THE Nth POWER AWARD

1950's glass brick and skinny limestone used to fill the arched windows of the Shelby County Courthouse, Harlan, Iowa. Talk about a Bad Hair Day...here's a Bad Hair Lifetime.

WORST COURTHOUSE

Jackson County Courthouse, Maquoketa, Iowa. A fine example of Neo-Nazi Revival, with all the warmth and grandeur of a machine-gun bunker on Omaha Beach.

THE "I LIKE TO WATCH" AWARD

To the Dekalb Swine Breeders Association. Motto: "Visitors Welcome."

BEST LIMOUSINE SERVICE TO A T&A BAR

In Carroll, Iowa.

PACELINES I'M GLAD I'M NOT IN

Ingredient list (front to back): A guy down on his aero bars, holding a squirelly line; a helmetless, clueless mountain biker; a guy with horns on his helmet and fake flaxen braids streaming in the wind; a frantic woman on a 'cross bike in way too low a gear; two kids on lime-green Huffies; and one fat guy falling off the back at every little rise in the road. Observed between Lidderdale and Lanesboro, but equally frightening moments were not uncommon elsewhere.

BEST NEW MUSIC

Salsa band, downtown Perry, Iowa. One person of color and a host of white honky Iowa boys, but, man, could they cook! Unfortunately, only one young couple could figure out how to dance to it.

BEST RETURN OF A MUSICAL ACT

Patrick Hazell, one-man blues band extraordinare, absent last year, but back in style this year. Played for 6 hours straight in Michael's Pub in Perry.

WORST CROWD FOR THE BEST BLUES

On the city square, Carroll, Iowa. When Patrick Hazell plays, even Republicans have been known to get up and do a pale imitation of actual dancing, but this crowd was having none of it. It was like they were reading the Wall Street Journal on a roller coaster.

WORST MUSIC

Elvis impersonator, Palo, Iowa. To make matters even worse, he was doing karaoke.

MUSIC WE'D LIKE TO HEAR

Wagner's "Big Ring" Cycle
Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons," (the Iowa Version: "Fall," (for strings); "Winter," (for woodwinds); "Spring," (for brass); and "Road Construction," (for percussion).

BEST FOOD

Tamales, in the parking lot of the ballpark in Clinton, Iowa. Cooked and served by that bastion of Hispanic culture(!), the Clinton YWCA. Way to go, ladies!

WORST FOOD, OR THE INVERTEBRATE PASTA AWARD

Pucci's (poo-cheese), Perry, Iowa. For god's sake people, drain the pasta before serving it!

FOOD VENDORS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

We have the Methodists with their great desserts, the Episcopalians and their pasta, the Catholics with goulash, the Baptists serving lasagna, and so on. But, where's the ATHEIST Food Booth? Suggested menu items might include: Kosher Pork Po' Boys, Beef Vindaloo, Hail Caesar Salad, Tender Tom Aquinas, the Senseless Universe Sandwich, Fallen-Angel Hair Pasta, Unjust Desserts, Devil's Food Cake and Blackened Voodoo Lager Beer. Just a thought.

MOST WELCOME NEW CONCESSIONAIRE

Three Peaks Espresso Stand. Now if RAGBRAI ® officials and towns like Maquoketa would just let them set up shop in town, maybe they would come back next year.

BEST KRINGLE (A NORWEGIAN PASTRY)

Rosa's, Nevada, Iowa.

BEST CINNOMON ROLL THE SIZE OF A SMALL PLANET

Dave's Buns, found along the road each day, usually near the expresso folks. Served with a weird-tasting Vat-O-Frosting, which turned out to contain yogurt, sugar and flavoring (?!).

THE TASTE NOT FOUND IN NATURE AWARD

To the pastries (?) at the American Legion Hall in Marshalltown.

THE MOST UNCONSTITUTIONAL PREAMBLE TO A CONSTITUTION AWARD

Preamble to the constitution of the American Legion, as sighted in Marshalltown, Iowa: "To promote law'n order; to promote 100 per-cent Amerikanism.... [Spellings mine, but the clear intent was theirs alone--ed.]

THE "WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU, TOO?" AWARD

To the guy selling gazpacho, who kissed Steve Kenyon full on the face and said, "I hope you don't feel cheap and used in the morning." He didn't.

THE 102nd USE FOR A DEAD CAT AWARD

To the firemen in Nevada, Iowa, whose sign advertised "GATOade."

THE WHAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MA'AM AWARD

To the "Kum & Go" chain of Iowa convenience stores.

TOP TEN STUPID CLICHES HEARD BY MIXED COUPLES ON TANDEMS

"Who shifts/brakes/steers?"
(Going uphill) "Goes fast downhill, though, doesn't it?"
"I don't think I could do that with my wife/husband!"
"I wish I had a tow rope."
"Hey, buddy, there's a blond/brunette/redhead right behind you!"
"Boy, isn't that togetherness!"
"When does she get to be in front?"
(To captain) "Is this the only time you get to be the boss?"
"She's not working!"
(To stoker) "Do you mind having your face in his butt when he stands up?"

Top Ten is the intellectual property of either David Letterman or NBC, depending on whose lawyers you believe. As usual, used without permission. So sue me.

THE "WHUT THE HELL, HONEY, LET'S GO DOWNTOWN AN' DRINK BEER IN THE STREET WITH THEM BIKERS" AWARD

To the locals in every community (except Anamosa), who turned out in droves and seemed absolutely delighted that RAGBRAI ® had for a day transformed their town into The Big Easy.

MOST INTRIGUING ROADSIDE AD

"Breasts and Beer."

BEST PIE

Rhubarb custard, Palo, Iowa. Had nutmeg in it.

BEST TEAM BUS

Team Lumschovak. A converted schoolbus with a polka dot cab and a railed penthouse beer garden on the top. Always seen in support vehicle-accessible passthrough towns with a randy compliment of rowdy bare-chested men and fetching young women on board.

BEST LUMSCHOVAK

Rumor has it (though I am unable to confirm) that a lumschovak is some kind of aerial maneuver; as practiced by Team Lumschovak, however, it consists of a large, hairy man about the size of a refrigerator spinning a invariably young and attractive female around like a pinwheel.

THE "I DID IT MY WAY" AWARD

To the two young men from Waterloo, who arrived in camp early in the evening in Marion with their bikes on their car, set up camp, took a cold shower, got on their bikes and rode downtown to do the beer slide, rode back and slept in their tents and went home the next morning.

BEST ESCAPE FROM THE COPS BY A NAKED MAN

To the guy dancing naked to Patrick Hazell in Michael's Pub in Perry. The heat spotted him in the alley behind the bar, but he got away.

BIGGEST BIKE

The 54-inch high-wheeler, vintage 1896.

LITTLEST BIKE WITH BLUE TIRES, RIDDEN BY A FULL-SIZED MAN

To the full-sized man, playing, perhaps, with less than a full-sized deck, on a child's 12-inch blue-tire bike, to which had been fitted a derailleur, a cowhorn handlebar, a three-foot seatpost, and numerous bags, panniers, attachments, flags, mirrors, pinwheels, and flowers and one of those little license plates on the back which identified the rider as "Roger."

BEST BIKE WITH A FLYING JIB

When you see a guy an a bike with a large triangular orange sail sticking up from behind the seat tube you are led to wonder: is this guy loopy, or does he just have a great sense of humor? A few moments spent in conversation with him convinced me of the former.

BEST SHOWER

Liz and Dennis's house, Marshalltown, Iowa.

WORST SHOWER (WOMEN)

Harlan,Iowa. Freezing water, murky and ankle-deep on the floor, in a dark cavity of a room with no lights.

SHORTEST DISTANCE FROM LOUD, OBNOXIOUS BAND TO CAMPSITE

About 100 yards,in Council Bluffs. They played past midnight.

LONGEST DISTANCE FROM LOUD, OBNOXIOUS BAND TO CAMPSITE

Harlan, Iowa. We purposely camped 12 blocks away and it still sounded like it was playing in the tent next door.

THE LOW-TECH RIDER AWARD

Bruce Boyd on his 22-year-old Swedish (?!) Crescent bike.

WORST PLACE TO BREAK A 22-YEAR-OLD CHAIN

Five miles out of Perry, Iowa at 9 o'clock in the morning, when all the repair vans were already far up the road. Chain breaker, anyone?

THE OSCAR WILDE MEMORIAL LIFE IMITATES ART AWARD

To the farmers around Anamosa, Iowa, who keep the area looking just like a Grant Wood painting.

BEST YOUNG RIDER

Mollie Bruhn, who accomplished several personal bests on this years's RAGBRAI ®, including greatest distance travelled in one day (68 miles), new highest speed (42 mph), learning to draft and riding a paceline, and completing 84 soccer juggles in a row. She also pitched her own tent, paid for her own meals and played a mean game of volleyball.

GUYS I'D LIKE TO SQUIRT WITH WATER

The Iowa State Troopers. Couldn't quite work up the courage. Maybe next year....

THE LET ME INFLICT MY IDEA OF MUSIC ON YOU AWARD

To all those riders with boom boxes on their bikes, piping out 100-decibel noise through tinny 3-inch speakers.

THE QUEEN ANNE MEETS THE PERMASTONE MAN AND IS NOT AMUSED AWARD

This new award for remuddled architecture goes to a former Queen Anne-style house in Maquoketa, Iowa. It had a nice board-and-batten addition, too.

MOST RAGBRAI ®-UNFRIENDLY SIGN

Coming into Anamosa, Iowa: "All Iowa Beer and Liquor Laws Enforced in Anamosa."

THE" TSK,TSK,TSK" AWARD

To John Karras for his (yearly) column in the Des Moines Register decrying the appalling trend towards nudity on RAGBRAI ®.

BEST TEAM WITH OBSCURE LITERARY REFERENCES

Team Lenore. Motto: "Never say 'Never more.'" Obscure, Quasi-Spoonerized, Oriental, Emergency Back-up Motto:"Power derives from the neural of a bun." Ten points to anyone who has the slightest idea what this is all about.

THE "YOU GOTTA HAVE A DREAM" AWARD

To the extremely comely young lady from Mr. Pleasant, Iowa, whom we met one day at Tender Tom's, who longed for the bright lights and wanted to make the big move to--you guessed it--Council Bluffs.

THE OLD SWITCHEROO AWARD

To RAGBRAI ® officials who listed the town of Elberon as support-vehicle accessible on the sag vehicle route map and then adamantly refused to let support vehicles in and insisted that they go to Van Horne, instead. Nice move, boys and girls!

THE HONEST CRAFTSMAN AWARD

To the Harlan, Iowa Firestone tire dealer who sold our sag vehicle a good, used tire for $20 (installed!) when he could as easily have soaked us a bundle for a new one.

THE ATTABOY CENTURY AWARD

To the two RAGBRAI ® virgins of Team Lenore.

THE ATTAGIRL CENTURY AWARD

To Mary, Sue (and Jeff) who gave up their place in the shower line to ride a few extra miles on the 92-mile day from Marshalltown to Marion so they could log a century.

THE MOTHER HEN AWARD

To Steve Kenyon, for waiting in camp for Kent to come in, while everyone else piled in the van and went to dinner in Cedar Rapids.

THE "BELLISSIMA PREMIER GRAND DAME DE SOIGNER, OR SAG QUEEN" AWARD

To Lynne Ireland, who discovered that RAGBRAI ® is organized for the benefit and pleasure of the bikers, not the support vehicle drivers. Nonetheless, she had the canopy up and the cooler out in every overnight town by the time the first rider arrived. She stocked up on ice, junk food, beer, pop and other delicacies; kept the sag vehicle in good repair; and even set up people's tents.

BEST TRIP ACROSS IOWA ON A TANDEM WITHOUT THREATENING DIVORCE

Kelly and Sue Outson.

THE BEST REASON YET TO SHAVE YOUR LEGS AWARD

To Bryan Groenjes, who hung with the Cat 2s and 3s in a ferocious paceline until they elbowed him out for having hairy legs.

BEST "WAVE

" To the crew of the 4-person tandem. A real crowd pleaser.

BEST TACTICAL FIGHTER SUPPORT FOR A B-29

To the solo riders buzzing around the 4-person tandem and picking up loose parts as they fell off.

THE "I AM WOMAN, SEE ME SHIFT" AWARD

To Marie Chelikowsky, on the 4-person tandem. "Where's the front derailleur?" I asked, peering at the spot on the seat tube where it should have been. "I am the front derailleur," she said.

BEST DRAFT, AND A BEER TO BOOT

Motorized picnic table, on the road from Council Bluffs to Harlan. "Well, I had this combine engine, see, and these here car parts...." It was a pretty standard-looking wooden picnic table, if you ignore the fact that it had wheels and was motoring down the highway at 20 miles per hour. Six people (locals, I assume) were sitting at it, drinking beer. Bryan and I drafted behind it for a couple of miles and accepted their offer of a beer. We saw it in Harlan later in the day.

THE "ONE HILL IS ONE HILL TO MANY" AWARD

To radio station Z-92's correspondent who was supposed to do a live remote from the road, but gave up after the first hill leaving Harlan.

THE "DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT" AWARD

To the Planned Parenthood concession at Tender Tom's beer party in Hale who were offering "Cookies and Condoms."

THE "YOU KNOW YOU'RE OFF THE BACK WHEN..." AWARD

To the guy on the road from Council Bluffs to Harlan who said, "My god, I've been passed by a picnic table!"

THE "YOU KNOW YOU'RE OFF THE BACK WHEN..." AWARD, PART II

To the riders on a big hill on the second day who were passed by cows in a adjacent field.

BEST INFLATABLE COMPANION

Life-size inflatable doll on the back of a tandem. Proves that there is an exception to the rule (seen on T-shirts): "Just because I slept with you last night doesn't mean I have to ride with you today."

BEST RACE WITH A SCATOLOGICAL THEME

Manilla, Iowa. Three racers (each a pretender to the throne) line up seated on toilets mounted on wheeled platforms and then propel themselves helter-skelter towards the finish line with toilet plungers used like ski poles. Normally sane adults will actually do this.

THE THOMAS CRAPPER ROYAL FLUSH AWARD

Breda, Iowa. Yet another example of how RAGBRAI ® suspends the rules of everyday behavior and causes a man to believe that it would be a really good idea to sit in a wire cage with a toilet mounted on top and allow people to throw balls into a bucket, which then causes the toilet to flush on his head. Now, that's entertainment!

THE FASTEST PANCAKE IN THE WEST AWARD

To the Pancake Man. It's all in the wrist.

THE SLOWER I GO THE BEHINDER I GET, OR THE SLOWEST PANCAKE IN THE WEST AWARD

To the lady at a breakfast stop in Boulton, Iowa. Here's a brief synopsis of her method: slowly dip the batter from a container with a soup ladle, being sure to carefully skim the bottom of the ladle on the rim of the container, so as to assiduously avoid any drips; then drizzle the batter onto the griddle in slow, perfect, widening, concentric circles, making sure to extract each last drop of batter from the ladle, at last standing back to assess and admire the product. Repeat as necessary for enough pancakes to feed an ever-lengthening line of riders. However, in defense, (and in spite) of her method I would have to say that she made far and away the best pancakes on the ride; and at $2.50 for the entire breakfast (which included eggs, sausage and Canadian bacon, coffee and juice) it was easily the best deal of the week--well worth the wait, which was extensive.

THE "SCREW THE RULES, IT'S RAGBRAI ®" AWARD

To every town along the route (except Anamosa). I can remember a time when security in the "beverage" [read: beer] gardens was tighter than in a Serbian detention camp, when only outlaw towns like New Virginia openly allowed "beverages" in the street, when John Karras railed in the Des Moines Register against nudity on the ride (oops--well, I guess some things never change). Now, town councils seem to have loosened their collars a bit and have learned to roll with the punch. Actually, it is a tribute to RAGBRAI ® and its organizers that so many people can come together each year for an event so huge that it is, for all practical purposes, out of control, and, for the most part, behave themselves.

THE HEAD IN THE SAND AWARD

To the people selling grilled ostrich burgers in overnight towns. Supposedly a low-fat, low-cholesterol, low-calorie, alternative meat. But tie me kangaroo down, sport--five bucks a pop? I don't think so. How much for a drumstick?

THE YEARLY DONALD KAUL SIGHTING

In the campground in Carroll. Rumors of Donald Kaul's presence on RAGBRAI ®, like Elvis sightings, were highly exaggerated. I did speak briefly with Chuck Offenberger on the road one day, though.

THE MOST-IMPROVED COVERAGE OF RAGBRAI ® BY A MAJOR NEWSPAPER AWARD, WITH RESERVATIONS AND APOLOGIES

To the Des Moines Register for at least trying to capture something of the flavor of the ride beyond sappy sentimentality and middle class kitsch. As always, my apologies to Messrs. Karras and Offenberger, who still put on the world's greatest bike ride.

AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER

I can talk the talk, but I don't walk the walk. I'm not a drunken party hound, but, being a visual artist (photography) and a professional voyeur, I do like to watch. The worst things I have ever done on RAGBRAI ® (besides compiling this list) are riding in the left lane in fast pacelines with my shaved-leg buddies and squirting the local kids with my water bottle (though next year, if I can muster the guts, I'm going to squirt a state cop). I am an aging, liberal, hippie dipshit, which may explain my anarchic, anti-establishment attitude. Everybody's gotta have a hobby.

Questions, comments, corrections, hate mail, flames, etc. may be sent to

R. BRUHN rbruhn@alltel.net
1344 C Street
Lincoln, NE 68502

See R. Bruhn's RAGBRAI Page for additional reports on the ride.

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